I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Of course I have a pirate flag
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
