You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
