With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
