dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
