So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
