Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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