That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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