dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
