I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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