If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
