i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
