I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize