So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
