I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
