I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
