I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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