happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
