He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
