saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
