My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
