phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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