He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I understand Curling. That high.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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