I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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