Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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