Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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