literally had 100 drinks last night.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
