Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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