Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
