Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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