Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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