dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
