I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think I won the penis lottery.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
