it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize