Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
