Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
