I just threw up on my dentist
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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