My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
