my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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