I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
