Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
