mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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