Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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