Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
