Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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