so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
