Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
