I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
