Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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