Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
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