please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
