I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
