I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
