He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
