Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
