I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I lost the right to judge tonight
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
