My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
