Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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