Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
