Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
