I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
