i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
