i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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