You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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