I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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