Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
