I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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