This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
